Before the Storm
by tlcinbflo
Summary: This will be a collection of oneshots that tells the story of Jess and Kaidan before Snowed In. Rating is for expected scenes in later chapters. Will be updated sporadically. Chapter 1, Ray Bans, the night Jess and Kaidan met.
1. Ray Bans

**Author's Note:** This fic will be a series of oneshots that tells the story of Kaidan and Jess before Snowed In. It won't be a full retelling of the games, but it will cover all the important moments of their relationship. This first "chapter" is the night they met, and was inspired by the song Ray Bans by JT Hodges. I'd love to hear what you think... Enjoy! **\- TLC**

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Ray Bans

Kaidan Alenko wasn't sure why he agreed to go to the club. He _hated_ clubs. They were loud, bright, and crowded and they tended to trigger a migraine if he spent any real time in that setting. Yet, he'd graduated from Basic and his roommate insisted on celebrating. He figured he could make an appearance and then bow out once his friends were a few drinks in. He pulled on his leather jacket and smoothed his hands over his jeans before grabbing his aviator sunglasses and stepping out of his apartment. At least the sunglasses would protect his eyes from the flashing lights.

"Hey, Alenko!" A loud, booming voice echoed behind him. He turned, and waved at the fellow marine jogging to catch up with him.

"Martinez," Kaidan greeted when he was closer, holding out a hand, which the larger man clasped when he reached him. Marc Martinez was the kind of Marine who would end up on a recruitment photo. At 6'4" he taller than Kaidan by about five inches, broader, too. He had to have over fifty pounds on him and it was solid muscle. Dark hair, dark eyes, and a brilliant, easy smile that stood out almost too white against his naturally tan skin. Kaidan had to admit, if Marc wasn't _so_ straight, he would have been seriously attracted to the man.

They had been roommates during training, and Marc had accepted him and his biotics before anyone else did. Kaidan was just grateful to find a friend who didn't look at him like he was defective or had a terminal illness. "It feel so good to be out of that uniform!" Marc shouted as they fell into step together, making their way through downtown Vancouver. Kaidan agreed; it was nice to be dressed in civilian clothes. Even if it was for just a night. He was scheduled to ship out in forty-eight hours.

They reached the club, and Kaidan was instantly assaulted by everything he hated about the setting, couple that with the obnoxious friends who met up with Marc and he was already ready to go home. They were Marc's friends. They _tolerated_ Kaidan. He gave himself twenty minutes, tops, before he would be leaving. He sat back, as he usually did, and watched the guys around him laugh and joke about the women in the club. More than once Marc tried to get Kaidan to engage, but he was already feeling the tension in his neck and shoulders.

Eventually, Marc found himself a partner for the evening. A tall, curvaceous, redhead in a skin tight green dress and stiletto heels. Well, with Marc occupied, his body pressed to the bombshell and his hands wandering, it was time for Kaidan to make a break for it. He slipped from his spot at the table, nodding at those who acknowledged his retreat and went to the bar to clear his tab.

He stepped between a blonde preoccupied with her omni'tool and an empty stool. He tried to get the attention of the bartender, but was ignored as the man's interest was caught by a busty brunette at the other end of the bar. Kaidan let out a sigh, and heard a chuckle to his left. He turned his head and met the black coffee stare of the woman beside him. They shared a brief smile, and Kaidan felt the attractive heat of a blush creep up from his collar.

She was distracted when a man slid in on her opposite side and placed his hand possessively on the small of her back. If Kaidan didn't notice her back straighten and her eyes darken, he would have assumed he was her lover. She was too uncomfortable with his touch. She turned her eyes to the newcomer, and he spoke with an obnoxious slur. "Hey, Gorgeous, I was hoping you could help me with my uh … _tool_."

She laughed softly, Kaidan loved the sound of it. She shrugged his arm off of her, closing her 'tool. "Sorry, tech isn't really my thing."

"I've got _a thing_ for you, Baby." He wrapped his large hand around her arm, and pulled. "Come on, I'll show you." She pulled back, and Kaidan turned slightly towards them. She didn't seem concerned about his show of force, so Kaidan waited before stepping in.

"Really, buddy, go sleep it off," she insisted, placing her hand against his chest. Kaidan sensed it when he got angry. It must have been the easy condescension in her tone that set him off. The man still hadn't noticed Kaidan yet, so it was easy for him to slip away from one side of her and move to the other.

He pressed himself between the two, his back to the offending man and leaned in to her. He took the risk and placed a chaste kiss on her cheek. "Sorry I'm late, Sweetheart, traffic!" He pulled back and found her grinning at him, a slight flush on her cheeks. He stepped back, and then pretended to just notice the man behind him. "Who's your friend?" he asked her, turning and holding his hand out to the offending man. He snarled and turned to leave. Kaidan turned back to the blonde, and she was still grinning.

"I could have handled him," she insisted, turning towards her drink again.

"Yeah, but you shouldn't have to." He followed her lead and turned back towards the bar, sliding onto the stool the man vacated when he retreated.

"Well, let me buy you a drink to say thanks," she offered and raised her hand. The same bartender who had ignored Kaidan earlier answered her immediately. He chuckled when she grinned. When the beer was placed in front of them, he thanked her and met her eyes again. "It was the least I could do." She lifted the bottle and Kaidan admired the curve of her lips and the arch of her neck as she took a long pull. He cleared his throat and took his own swallow of beer as he hated the awkward tension that filled the space between them.

"I'm Kaidan, by the way," he introduced himself.

She met his eyes and smiled. "Jess."

"Do you usually hang out at bars alone?"

She laughed. Kaidan's heart skipped. "Actually, I hate bars. I came with my friend Sarah, but she's currently occupied." Her eyes moved over his shoulder and he turned. Kaidan grinned when he realized Sarah was the woman with Marc. They were still on the dance floor, bodies twisted together and hands wandering. If Kaidan knew Marc, he had a feeling they'd be leaving soon.

"Well, she's in good hands," Kaidan replied turning back to Jess. She looked skeptical. He laughed. "Marc's a good guy. He'll take care of her, make her coffee and breakfast in the morning and drive her home." She nodded, and Kaidan thought she did look a bit relieved. Marc was a big fan of one night stands, but he was always honest about it and made sure the woman was satisfied, and not ashamed.

"What about you, Shades?" she asked, reaching up and taking his sunglasses off his face. He blinked in the newly bright lights. "You big on one night stands?" She set the glasses down on the bar. She turned in her stool, angling her body towards him before meeting his eyes.

"No," he admitted honestly, leaning towards her just slightly. She cocked her eyebrow at him, surprise clear in her eyes. "Sex isn't something I take lightly." She sat back, looking oddly impressed.

"Well, that's different." She lifted her beer to her lips and drained the bottle. "You were paying your tab when you first came to the bar. Do you have some place to be?" She set her empty bottle down on the bar, and her hand fell to his knee. He shook his head as his knee burned beneath her touch. "Good. Dance with me."

"I don't know … I don't dance," he argued half-heartedly as she stood. He watched as she grabbed his sunglasses off the bar. She slid them on her own face, before she stood and took his hands. She pulled gently, and though he didn't want to, he couldn't stop himself from following her.

"Thankfully, I do." They reached a barely open spot in the throng of bodies gyrating on the dancefloor, and she placed his hands on her hips. Her hands slid up his arms and over his shoulders as she stepped into him. Their eyes met as she moved her body against his. He followed her lead, not paying attention to anyone around them. His eyes danced over her face. Her dark chocolate eyes were hidden by his glasses, but also framed by long lashes. She had a pert adorable nose, and full lips which were currently quirked up at the corners. Her cheeks held a rose tint and she pinched her lip between her teeth.

She wore dark jeans that fit like a second skin, and a loose fitting white tank that hung low on her chest, inviting his gaze. Her pale skin seemed to glow in the lights of the club. The small space of flesh his fingers greeted at the base of her spine was soft, and begged to be stroked and kissed. Her arms remained around his neck, her dainty fingers traced patterns on the back of his neck and tangled in his hair. She grazed his amp port, and he nearly lost control. He trembled as his power vibrated through him. She gasped, and leaned forward, her lips brushing against his ear as she spoke, "You're a biotic?"

Shit.

"Yeah, does that bother you?" he questioned, and stilled their movement. Her face softened, as her fingers gently skimmed over his neck again. She shook her head, and he felt the tension seep from his core. He'd chased away more than one person with his biotics, as if it was something he could change. She started to move again, and he followed, though it took him a second to find the right rhythm again. He leaned close, their bodies pressed together as he whispered in her ear. "How did you know?"

"Your eyes flashed blue." Her answer surprised him, but he found he liked it. He liked her reaction to this detail about him, and he found himself wishing he wasn't leaving Vancouver in two days.

"Oh, I didn't know they did that."

"It's beautiful," she admitted, and blushed. He grinned and, feeling an odd surge of confidence, pulled her closer to him. He heard her gasp, and could feel her heart racing when his hands slid up her back. He hated bars. He hated dancing, but when her deep, dark eyes met his, he wanted nothing more than to stay here, in this bar, on this dance floor, with her.

They spent the night alternating between dancing and touching, and drinking and laughing. Kaidan hadn't had this much fun, probably ever. They were sitting at the bar; she had tucked the arm of his glasses into her shirt. It pulled the top down, exposing more of her cleavage, but somehow she still held an air that demanded respect. He wasn't sure how she did it. Their stools were close and their legs interlocked between them, allowing them to lean close and listen to the other talk. Marc and Sarah had left hours earlier, but neither of them cared.

They were startled when the lights turned on and the music turned off. The bar was closing. Kaidan checked the time and it was closer to sunrise than midnight. He looked to her, and she was smiling, and blushing. "Let's get out of here," she said, and he nodded. He closed their tab, paying her open bill as well as his own. She waited for him, and when he was done, they fell into step together heading towards the exit. He held the door for her, and they stepped into the cool Vancouver evening.

His hand found hers as they took a few steps to the curb. He hailed a cab, and they waited. "So," she muttered. They had discussed the fact that they were military earlier in the evening, but they hadn't gotten into any details, they hadn't even exchanged last names. "what's your next assignment?" He couldn't help but think she sounded a bit disappointed.

"I leave tomorrow. I'm going to Arcturus before I get my orders," he explained, and she nodded. "You?"

"Classified," she answered with a shrug. He nodded as the cab pulled up. "You know what, Kaidan, I did not want to come out to night. Sarah practically dragged me, but I'm glad I did." Her eyes were locked on his, and he smiled.

"Me, too," He dropped her hand and opened his omni'tool. He could feel her eyes on him, and he smirked as he managed to find the frequency of her tool and shoot her a message. Her 'tool sounded and she opened the messaging system as the cab pulled up. She grinned as she realized he'd given her his contact information. He'd left the next move up to her. "I hope to hear from you." She bit her lip and nodded.

"It'd be a pretty safe bet."

He chuckled and took her hands again as the cab's car door opened. "Good night, Jess." He leaned in and kissed the corner of her mouth before pulling away and releasing her hands.

"Seriously?" She asked incredulously. He couldn't hide the surprise and confusion on his face at her tone. She laughed, reached up and grabbed his collar and to pull him to her. Their lips met, and she kissed him. It was a demanding, needy kiss and she wrapped her arms around him as her lips opened. He pulled away, shaking his head. "What's wrong?" Her eyes were wide, and her cheeks flushed. Her lips open as she took short, shallow breaths.

He opened his stance and planted his feet. He reached up and cupped her face, his fingers brushing short, blonde hairs off her face as his eyes drank her in. Her blush deepened as her hands reached out and gripped his shirt beneath the leather coat. He leaned forward and kissed her. It was a slow kiss, and she gasped as their lips moved together in perfect pace. He released her face and his hands skimmed down her sides to wrap around her waist. Her hands slid up his arms and around his neck pulling him closer to her.

She leaned back, and he pushed her against the cab. Her body fit his as if it was made to. Soft curves fitting against his firm planes. He grew dizzy as his blood rushed south and his heart raced. His hands slid down and cupped her rear and she moaned into his mouth as her hand slid beneath the collar of his shirt and her short, practical nails dug into his back. He growled into her and she swallowed the sound.

Her lips were soft, and pliant. She made quiet, needy sounds from the back of her throat and it drove him mad with want. His tongue slipped between her lips and met hers. She tasted like peppermint, regardless of the drinks they had shared. She smelled of honeysuckle and sunshine and he was drunk more on their kiss than he was anything they had drank this night.

The cab driver sounded the horn startling both of them. They laughed as their kiss ended. He pulled away, kissing her quickly and soundly. He reached up and ran his fingers down the side of her face, his thumb grazed over her bottom lip. He placed one more quick kiss to her lips before releasing her. "Godspeed, Classified." The hoarseness of his voice surprised him as he stepped back and she moved towards the open door.

"Stay safe, Kaidan," she demanded, and the concern in her tone twisted something low in his body. He nodded. She climbed into the cab and he closed the door. She smiled and gave the driver her address as he stepped away from the curb. She turned to look at him as the cab pulled away. She smiled and slid his sunglasses on. He watched her drive off with the singular thought: _They looked better on her any way._


	2. The Way You Make Me Feel

The Way You Make Me Feel

"You wanted to see me, Doctor?" Kaidan Alenko asked as he stepped into the med bay. His eyes lingered on the form in the bed closest to the door. Jess Shepard's sickly pale skin accented by her rare, natural blonde hair made her look like some kind of ethereal being. He missed the blush in her cheek, and her lips, red from chewing on them. She'd been unconscious since he activated the beacon on Eden Prime. He just wanted her to wake up.

"Yes, Lieutenant," Dr. Chakwas gestured towards the empty bed next to Jess and Kaidan started towards it. "While monitoring Commander Shepard, I noticed unusual brainwaves-"

"Is she okay?" he blurted the question before Chakwas could finish speaking, and Kaidan noticed the corner of her mouth twitch as his eyes flicked between her and Shepard.

"Yes, I believe she's just in a deep sleep, and should wake soon. However, it was brought to my attention that you were within the beacon's range for a period, and I wanted to check to make sure there were no lingering effects," Chakwas explained as Kaidan sat on the cot, his eyes finally settling on the doctor. He nodded, hoping he hadn't been too obvious. "Lovely." She leaned over him and started to attached electrodes to his different spots on his head. "Now, have you experienced anything odd? Strange dreams last night or headaches at all? Migraines?" She asked as she leaned back and cupped his face to look into his eyes.

It was a very maternal caress, and her hands held a strength born of saving lives and caring for wounds. Her eyes, however, bore a sadness that showed she had seen death, and she understood that sometimes, death was a relief. Thankfully, this was not that. "No, I'm fine." He knew his tone was distracted, he was. He tried not to, but he couldn't stop himself from looking over her shoulder to where Shepard slept.

He'd never seen her at rest before.

He'd seen her, he couldn't take his eyes off her, that night at the bar all those years ago. The night they danced and laughed. They shared that kiss, against the cab, and she had stolen his sunglasses. They had stayed in touch through the extranet for the next few months. As her star rose, he would catch glimpses of her on the news, and he would look for them: his sunglasses. He'd always spot them, tucked into a pocket, resting on the crown of her head, or wearing them. He loved that she kept them.

Then, Torfan happened and she stopped replying to his messages. All contact ceased. It wasn't until he saw her being interviewed that he was sure she had survived. He remembered seeing her for the first time, on the news. Her face was battered and bruised and there was a slash through her lips. Her eyes were cold, and she seemed stiff. She had changed, and Kaidan felt it in his chest when he realized it.

It wasn't until the interview was completed and she turned to walk away that he noticed she was holding his sunglasses in her hands.

That was a few years ago now, and they hadn't spoken since before Torfan. When Kaidan got his orders for the Normandy, and saw that he would be working with her, he'd been cautiously optimistic. When she stepped on board, and he stood in formation and saluted her, he'd struggled to hold back the grin as she stood in front of him. His glasses were in the pocket of her dress blues.

Later that day, he'd met with her, well, the Head of Marine Detail met with the XO, to discuss scheduling. They'd sat across from each other at the table and worked through the business of their meeting. He itched to talk to her as Jess, as the girl from the bar, the girl who had clung to him and moaned into his mouth. She looked up at him as she shut down her omni'tool, and her black coffee eyes met his and she blushed, and chewed her lip. He leaned forward slightly. "Permission to speak freely, Ma'am?" he asked, a smirk playing around his lips and teasing his eyes.

"Granted."

"Nice sunglasses." He nodded towards her pocket, and she chuckled warmly. It was brief, and the laugh died quickly as she dropped her head. He got the feeling she didn't laugh much anymore. He waited a moment, to see if she would respond. He knew the last few years had been difficult for her. They were well documented, in the press and in reports he had access to. He never agreed with the nickname the press gave her, and he tended towards anger when he heard someone call her the Butcher of Torfan. He couldn't reconcile the woman he'd spent those hours with, the woman he'd exchanged countless messages with, with the woman described in the news.

"How have you been, Kaidan?" She met his eyes, then, and he hated the sadness he saw there. He wanted her to laugh. He wanted to be the one to make her laugh. He wondered if she ever thought about that night. He wondered if she ever read the final messages from him that had gone without a response. Their messages had evolved from a fun flirtation to friendly conversation, from friendly conversation to something more, deeper. There was an emotion in their messages that Kaidan hadn't ever experienced in person – not even with Rahna. He'd told her about Rahna. He remembered her anger and it warmed him, how angry she got over Rahna's rejection him. "Her loss is my gain, I guess," had been her response, and Kaidan had flushed warm when he read that.

 _I've missed you._ That was what he wanted to say, he knew better, though. "I've been well. Things have gone well." He took the safe route and she nodded. He shifted, his chair suddenly too hard beneath his legs. He watched the uncertainty flicker in her eyes and before he could stop himself, he reached across the table and took her hand. "How have you been, Jess?"

She snatched her hand away and alarm flared bright in her eyes. "Kaidan!" she hissed his name and he sighed, dropping his head. "What the fuck are you doing?" She looked around the empty mess.

"You're right; sorry, Commander." He couldn't help the cold detachment in his tone. He couldn't get away fast enough. "Am I dismissed or did you need something else?"

"Dismissed," she snapped, leaning back in her seat and folding her arms over her chest. His chair scraped the floor obnoxiously as he stood. He wasn't embarrassed; he was disappointed. Somewhere, at some point, he had convinced himself that, even though she never replied to his messages, she still cared. Those goddamn sunglasses became some kind of foolish symbol. Some way for him to believe she still thought about it. It was time he let it go.

They'd remained strictly professional for the remainder of their day; though, Kaidan hated every second of it. He was grateful this was just a shakedown and he should be back on Arcturus before month's end.

He'd closed himself in his sleeper pod hours earlier, but was unable to sleep. Tension was building at the base of his head, and he feared he'd wake to a full blown migraine. He pushed himself out of bed and went to see Chakwas who had given him some preventative meds, muscle relaxers and anti-inflammatories. He'd left the med bay and went towards the mess. Some tea would help, he knew. He was surprised to find Jess … to find Shepard there, making her own warm beverage.

He stepped next to her and felt her tense. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. He reached in front of her for his own mug and tea bag, and he heard her sharp intake of breath. She exhaled on a sigh, his name slipping from her lips almost inaudibly. He shuddered, then froze and looked down at her. "I missed you." Her admission was quiet, and stilted, choked even. "I read all your messages and I wanted to reply to you I just … I didn't know what to say. I don't even feel like the same person you knew before everything."

"I missed you, too," he answered as he finished preparing his tea. He turned towards her leaning a hip on the counter, as he brought the mug to his lips cupped in both hands. His eyes searched hers when she finally turned towards him.

"I can't tell you how many times I read the messages from you, especially the last few … that you sent after … after Torfan. I just, I didn't know how to reply. I … I expected so much more when I saw you again, in person. I felt like we really had something, you know? Then, Torfan and I just felt so broken. People think, they think that was easy for me." She snorted. "The Butcher of Torfan." He could hear in her tone how much she hated that nickname. He wanted to take her in his arms and tell her he didn't see her that way. He resisted, barely. "I … I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier," she sipped her tea. If anyone passed them in the mess they would have looked completely appropriate. Two marines in a discussion about anything. There was no way anyone would think they were flirting with the regulations.

"I crossed a line," he admitted, glancing down at his tea. "I shouldn't have acted so familiar with you. You were right to be angry. There are rules," he hated that he sounded so defeated. She chewed her lip and nodded. "So, when this shakedown is over, when we're back on Arcturus, will you let me take you out?" Her eyes flew to his before looking around the empty space again. There was a skeleton crew on now, it was the middle of the night cycle and there was not a soul around in the mess, just the two of them. A timid smile played on her lips. He stepped barely closer to her. "Will you let me hold your hand?" She chewed her lip. "Will you let me kiss you?" He was close enough to her now to feel the heat radiating from her as her cheeks flushed. He couldn't help but think she looked like she did in the bar that night. Young. Happy. Scar-free.

"If you play your cards right," she answered, stepping back and blushing into her mug of tea.

"I'll be sure to stack the deck in my favor," he answered. He reached out and tucked a hair behind her ear, not sure where he found the courage to do so. Maybe it was in the heat in her eyes, or the smirk on her lip, or the blush in her cheeks. He affected her, and he liked it.

"Looking forward to it," she replied turning on a heel before anything could escalate. "Good night, Lieutenant."

"Good night, Commander."

 _What a difference two days made._

Doctor Chakwas finished her scan of his brain activity and stepped back looking over his face one more time. "You're clear. Thank you for stopping in," her clipped British tone was dismissive but not unkind and he offered her a smile as he stood.

He made a move towards the door when a soft whimper slipped from Shepard's lips. He called Chakwas over and stepped back to allow her to check Shepard. Jess sat up and looked at him. Her eyes were clear and focused on him. She flushed slightly, and he smirked. "I'll be just outside." Kaidan promised after Anderson came in to get his full debriefing from the Commander.

He didn't have to wait for her long, ten minutes at most, but it was enough time for doubt to grow in his gut. When they had spoken previously about their intentions, their expected return time was two weeks. Since then, they'd lost a crewman, a Spectre, and a Prothean Beacon. There was no telling how long they'd be out in space. If you'd asked him two weeks ago, he'd insist they wait until it was done to sort out what they were.

That was before he'd carried her lifeless form off Eden Prime and deposited her in the Doctor's care. He didn't know what was going to happen next, but he knew he didn't care. All he wanted to do, since she'd wrapped her arms around his waist and threw him out of the Beacon's path, was hold her against him and kiss the life out of her. There was no way he could wait for this tour to be over.

Shepard found him, those thoughts fresh on his mind. "Kaidan," she breathed his name and he felt a shiver pass over his spine at the sound. "You're okay."

"Thanks to you. Are you okay?" His eyes raked over her form, and he thought he noticed a blush at her collar.

"Five by five," she replied, "just a bit of a headache and, oddly enough, I'm still quite tired. I just, I wanted to check in with you." She added a shrug, as she avoided his eyes.

He reached out and took her hand, she squeezed it once before he dropped it. He watched over her shoulder as Anderson left the area, going back to his quarters and he stepped closer to her. "You scared me."

"I'm sorry, I-" he cut her off with a kiss. A surprised gasp slipping from her lips and she kissed him back on pure emotion, instinct, and desire. When reality settled in, tore her lips from his and stepped back. Her hand flying to her mouth as her eyes searched they area. They were blissfully alone, but in the mess, where anyone could enter. "Are you fuckin insane?"

"Nope, but I'm not waiting either. I could have waited two more weeks, sure, but you and I both know this is a hell of a lot more than a shakedown cruise, and I'm not waiting to see where this could go."

"I'm your CO, Alenko. As much as I want to, I won't do anything that would risk your career," she insisted as her eyes continued to search for someone watching them. There was no one around and he knew it.

"You're not worried about _your_ career?" He nearly growled, exasperation doing crazy things to his nerves. His hands itched to touch her, to take her in his arms and taste her, coax those little sounds of pleasure from the back of her throat.

She simply shrugged. "Fuck my career. Part of me thinks they'd expect it of me."

"Jess," Kaidan's hated the pleading tone in his voice as he stepped towards her.

"No, Kaidan. You'd be blackballed, stuck as a Lieutenant, and I won't be responsible for that." Jess pulled her hands from his and turned her back to him. She started to walk away, and Kaidan felt his heart race at the fact that she was shutting this down, again, before it could even get started.

Before she could complete her retreat, his hand shot out and gripped her arm, spinning her back to face him. "Fuck it all," he muttered before pressing his lips to hers. This time, she didn't stop him. This time, she whimpered into his mouth and kissed him back. His arms slid over her hips and around her waist. Her hands slid up his arms and one tangled in his hair as the other gripped his shirt.

He took a step, or two, and ushered them into a dark corner. Hopefully, if anyone entered the mess this late, they would miss them in the shadows. His concern over being seen was lost when her tongue flicked against his lips. He angled his head, allowing her to deepen the kiss. She still smelled the same, honeysuckle, sunshine, and happiness. She tasted like sweet mint, and he wondered absently how she did that. She felt the same, as his hands caressed her strong back.

Their lips moved together as their tongues twisted. It wasn't a fight for dominance; it was a kiss of equals. Both parties looking to please the other and when she arched her back and pressed her hips against his, he knew she would feel his reaction to her, but he hardly cared. When she brushed against his arousal, he groaned into her mouth as she gasped.

She took that opportunity to break the kiss, dropping her head slightly and wrapping her arms around him tighter. "How is it possible?" Her voice shook with the words, and he was unsure if it was the kiss, or the emotion that caused it. He hummed his response urging her to continue. "You make me feel like her. You make me feel like that girl in the bar." She pressed her forehead to his, their eyes locked. He reached up and caressed her cheek, kissing her lightly.

"I can see her in there. People say terrible things about you, but they're not true, and not everyone believes them. You're not a Butcher. You're a hero." He was shocked at the tears that glistened in her eyes. He kissed her again, softer this time, but with no less emotion, and she was left speechless.

She cleared her throat as her breathing calmed. "I'm going to have to talk to Anderson; one of us will have to be transferred."

He nodded, "I don't want to, but I will if that's what you want."

"It is," she stated, regret making her voice heavy.

He reached up and cupped her face again. "Will you reply to my messages this time?" he asked, wiping stray tears from her cheeks. She kissed him this time, and it was salty and sweet.

"Yeah, but I'm keeping your sunglasses."


	3. Change

Change

It's crazy what a day can change.

That is a statement that can sum up the entirety of Jess Shepard's life. The day she was arrested and taken to Anderson. The day she enlisted. The night she met Kaidan. Torfan. Eden Prime. Spectre status. Now, Virmire.

Her room was dark and it was the only comfort she allowed herself. She could hide in the shadows, like she had most of her life. Whether she was hiding from the bigger kids in the Reds, or hiding from the cops on Earth, or from the media during her _career_ in the Alliance, she'd spent most of her life hiding. She was good at it.

She'd already spoken with Ashley's mom. She'd never met the woman, but she knew Ms. Williams would never forget her face. She would never forget the sound of her voice or the words she used to tell her that her eldest child was dead. Ashley was never coming home. Ashley's sisters would never laugh with her again. Ashley would never come to their rescue, she would never hold them, comfort them, and make them feel safe. Her big sister lessons were done, and cut short.

Jess cringed when she considered how cold she'd been while talking to Ashley's mom. If Ashley had been here, Jess was sure the young Chief would have had choice words for the way she had broken the news to her mother. She just wasn't sure how to do it. How was she supposed to say how sorry she was that Ashley had died without sounding like it was her fault? How was she supposed to apologize for the untimely death of a friend without taking the blame? How was she supposed to talk to the woman who'd raised Ashley and not lose control?

It wasn't supposed to be like this. She wasn't supposed to be this affected by the loss of a subordinate. A grunt. She had to be honest with herself. She was at fault. Ashley was dead and it was because of Shepard. Because she was too attached. She was compromised.

The door to her quarters sighed open and the light cast the intruder in shadow. She didn't need light to know who had entered her space. She knew the shape of his shoulders, the scent of the air around him, the pulse of his biotics, the sound of his boots on the floor. She knew him, and she would know him anywhere.

"Jess?" he spoke her name softly as he stepped further into the room.

"You shouldn't be here," she answered, surprised by the gruff emotion rattling in her voice.

"I wanted to check on you. I can't imagine what you're going through," he explained taking no further steps closer, but not leaving either. Irritation raged in her gut.

"No, you shouldn't have been here at all. Today, on Virmire, you shouldn't have been there." She was still speaking quietly, but there was no mistaking the pure fury in her voice. Kaidan took a step back. Now that the door had closed behind him, she could barely make him out, but she could tell he was responding to her tone. "You were supposed to be gone. You were supposed to transfer to a different assignment. You were supposed to be so far away from all of this. You weren't supposed to be there, arming nukes and taking gunfire." She stood, stepping closer to him. Her hands fisted at her sides. As she grew closer, she could see him. His stance firm, strong, arms crossed over his chest as he stared at her. "You were supposed to be somewhere _safe_."

"You have no way of knowing _where_ I would be if I had been transferred. _We_ decided to continue serving together. _We_ decided we could handle whatever happened. Today… shit, today went FUBAR before we landed. We were sent to a hotzone with no info. We were screwed regardless and my being there had nothing to do with it!"

"I could have saved her if I didn't have to save you," she poked a finger to his chest. She gasped when his rough, calloused hand closed over hers, stopping her from pulling back.

"Who would you have left in her place?" he challenged her thinking and she tried to pry her hand from his to no avail. "Who?" he asked again, pulling her hand down to their sides and forcing her closer to him. "Someone had to stay behind with the nuke, Jess. Who would you have left? Wrex? Garrus? Liara? Tali? If not me, and not Ashley, who?"

She tried. She tried with everything in her, but she couldn't choke down the sob as it rose hot and hard in her throat. She felt her features crumble and she leaned forward as she finally broke. Her forehead resting on the firm wall of Kaidan's chest. He wrapped his arms around her as she gripped his shirt, weeping. He held her while she cried, while she mourned the loss of a friend.

She wasn't sure how much time went by before she slid her hands up his front. He loosened his hold on her to allow her to cup his jaw. The stubble on his cheeks tickled her finger tips and her waterlogged face tilted to look at him and he let his forehead rest on hers. "You're okay," she whispered, it was a question and it wasn't. It was her allowing herself to realize that he had survived, that he was okay, and that fact was all she – Jess, not Commander Shepard – cared about in this moment.

"Yeah," he answered simply, and she slid her hands to the back of his head, her fingers accidently brushing over his amp port as they carded his hair. Her lips pressed to his in an insistent kiss. He gasped, angling his head and allowing her to deepen the kiss. Her tongue met his in a needy, aching way. His hands caressed her back and rear in long, firm strokes. Untucking her shirt as he did.

With their agreement to serve together and pause their relationship came the understanding that this moment would have to wait. Declarations of love, and being intimate were aspects they were going to have to wait for and they had accepted that reality.

Now that the dam had broken, there was no stopping it. The shedding of clothing took precedence over everything else. Nothing was more important, in this moment, then being pressed together skin to skin. To feel that they had both made it. To feel the life within each other, to feel connected, to know that they had both made mistakes this day. They had both made mistakes and people died, and that was something they would have to live with but they would. They would live.

They found her bed in the darkness of the room, and she welcomed his weight on top of her. With his lips on her neck and their legs tangled together, he paused, brushing hair from her face. His gaze met hers, and she felt the tears filling her eyes again. She moved to kiss him, to ignore the emotion and move back to the physical but he pulled away so she missed. She sighed, dropping her head back to her pillow.

"Jess," he spoke her name softly. She turned to face him again. She watched as his eyes flickered, his gaze moving over her face. Her face softened when she noticed the emotion in his eyes. She saw his grief, his fear, his pain and she reached up to let her fingers skim over his brow. He closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. He turned his head and kissed her palm, opening his eyes and meeting her gaze.

"Make love to me, Kaidan," she spoke the words softly, and watched as his face broke, crumbled, really. He slipped inside her, and her body arched to accept him. She gripped his shoulders as her head dug into the pillows, gasping as he filled her. She lifted her legs, wrapping them over his hips as he rocked into her.

It was too much. They had waited too long. Since that first night, how many years ago, when they were young and hopeful, they had waited. In this moment, Jess knew. She knew that she would spend the rest of her life loving this man. Nothing would come between them, she wouldn't let it. She clung to him, trembling, as he brought her higher and higher. She felt it, starting low in her stomach, a coil set to snap. She gasped as she neared her peak. The feel of him, so deep, so intense, it was enough to drive her mad and make her want to stay there.

Then, he flared. His body lit blue almost blinding her – like staring into the sun. He was beautiful, and she felt the tears hot on her cheeks as he trembled above her, emptying himself. The energy coursing through him caused a pleasant hum to fill her and push her over the edge with him. She bit her lip to keep from calling out. His mouth found hers and he kissed her deeply, thoroughly. Stopping her from catching her breath as their tongues tangled.

Eventually, his light dimmed and their breathing calmed as their hearts returned to normal. He rolled to his side, pulling her with him and holding her against his chest. She followed, allowing herself to be held and comforted as she returned to the room. She had never felt like this before. She had never experienced anything like that and she knew it was more than the biotics.

His hand slipped through her damp, golden hair as her head rested on his chest. The coarse hair there tickling her cheek. She sighed. There was so much she wanted to say, but words just seemed insufficient. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and reached for the blanket they had kicked to the floor at some point. He tucked it around them, and continued to hold her.

They must have fallen asleep.

When she opened her eyes he was trying to slip from the bed without waking her. "Where?" she whispered one word, and he turned to look at her. She could see his answer in his eyes. They had to remain professional. She was his CO. They couldn't be found like this. There would be consequences. She shook her head, rolling to her back and scrubbing her hands over her face.

She felt him stand, his weight lost from the bed and making her feel empty. She knew, she knew he would stay if he could. They both knew he couldn't.

She heard him rustling around the room. Gathering his things. Dressing. After a moment, she felt the bed dip on the side of the bed closest to her and she opened her eyes. He was kneeling at her bedside, leaning on his arms. He leaned forward and kissed her. He meant to keep it short, but she wouldn't let him. She reached out and cupped the back of his head, her fingers in his hair, she kissed him. She kissed him like it was the first time and the last time.

After a long moment, a moment so long she could see the war between staying and going as it raged in his eyes, she pulled away. She pressed a kiss to his forehead, and a sad smile tugged at his lips.

"I hate this," she mumbled at the same moment he whispered, "I love you."

"I would stay if I could," he promised, the back of his hand caressing her cheek and trailing down her neck.

"I know," she answered with a nod, licking her lips, she met his gaze. "I love you, too." He grinned and she chuckled softly, "I've never said that before."

"I know," he replied, kissing her quickly and soundly, before disentangling them and standing. His trademark steel will pulled him away from her. She watched him go, the door sighing behind him before she turned, pulling the pillow he'd used to her naked chest and burying her face in his scent.

She loved him, and that terrified her.


End file.
